Here I find myself in the space between "no longer and not yet" (quote by Nancy Levin), and it feels like each step forward is apprehensive but the steps to the side are not. I generally am not a person to doubt my ideas or be apprehensive because I trust myself (when I am in a connected state) and I trust I am being guided. But right now.. it's all sideways. I am not going backwards though as I have a few times before, so I am grateful for that.
I find myself (yet again) in my Start Again Place. The same place I was after I woke up with Bells Palsy, after I accepted the end of my marriage and the illusion of the "perfect Barbie", after a severe concussion and six months of stillness. The start over, the reinvent, the be brave, place. It's oddly familiar because the pressure, the feedback and the guilt are the same. It's almost like it is comfortable to feel those things, and safe. But this time I am different.
This time, I am packing my bags and leaving my comfortable place. Where my insecurities are my default and fear is everywhere. And not just an overnight bag, a pretty big one. I am not taking many things though, maybe my Angel cards, my big rose quartz and my favourite shampoo. There feels like there is a lot of stuff there but nothing I really need. Nothing that will help me really move forward, because those things all belong in the Start Again Place. I am leaving behind my journals and pages of writing, my candles and my pillows that have come with me and been there for me when there was night tears, and my pictures of all the things I used to be. Of course they are cherished memories, they have made me who I am, but only a part of who I will be.
I will be the new Barbie in the "Started Again" Place. Where it is airy and crisp and smells like Springtime rain. Where the past has just made up a tiny part of me. Because the Started Again Barbie is just for me. I will no longer allow myself to feel small, judged or unworthy. To give in just because someone else doesn't understand their feelings and I do.. just because I know how they feel to be hurt. The Started Again Barbie will hold space for those I love and support my Tribe. I will not accept or absorb what is not mine, what I do not own. It is time to start again. Xo.